FRIENDS AND
NON_ROMANS - Let us forget about our crippling economic problems for the moment
and concentrate instead on the unexpected gift we’ve received from the
primitive, but learned gods of mathematics.
This could be the year we do to
the IRS what they’ve been doing to us all these many years. That is to
baffle, confuse and confound both their bevy of bean-counters and their less
than perfect computers.
Are you sitting comfortably? Do
you have your abacus, or other popularly accepted, ancient Chinese counting
device handy? All right, let’s get started. Take out the worksheet
provided by your tax advisor, if you don’t have a tax advisor call one and
ask that a worksheet be faxed to you immediately. (You may also use the sample
at the end of this article)
The first box you must fill in is the year, which is 2008. So
now you should write MDCCCCLXXXXVIII in the space provided. All right,
admittedly that’s the long version, but it has a distinct flair,
don’t you think?
If it takes up too much space or
if you’re one of those people who can’t resist the shortest possible
version you can use MIIIVM.
Be aware though that this utmost
of shortcuts may not be accepted everywhere. If your tax return should find its
way to an agent who is a purist he may not accept your abbreviation.
Before going any further, a few
words about Roman numerals. Just in case you were under the mistaken impression
that Roman numerals are not being used anymore, allow me to point out the error
of that notion. Architects, Movie Producers, Olympic Offici als, Kings and
Popes, certain Newspaper and Super Bowl Families in which males insist on
passing their full names to their sons all continue to use Roman numerals.
Who can argue with a lofty
roster like that? I would ask that you re-think your position, after all, if
it’s good enough for Kings and Popes, etc., etc.
The main problem is that the
Romans and many other ancients were not consistent in how they used the
subtraction principle.
Therefore one must be quite
scrupulous and absolutely accurate when filling out the income and deduction
sections of the form. A one letter addition or omission could cause years of
conflicting opinions to be bantered about or even adjudicated. Think of what
that might do to our reverence of Roman legacies.
Now that we ha ve settled that
question let us continue filling out your form. If hypothetically, you earned
$55,800 you put LVMVIIIC on the income line provided.
If your deductions total $22,460
you subtract XXIIMIVCXXXXXX.
That will leave an adjusted
gross income of $33,340 or XXXIIIMIIICXXXX. Are you getting the hang of it? At
XXX% of your adjusted gross your tax liability would be XMII. If you are an
employee and receive a W-2 you probably had taxes deducted from your check all
year.
Hypothetical chances are good
that you could get a refund of somewhere in the neighborhood of VIMVIICXXXVIII,
barring any information not available at the present time of course.
If you own your own business you
can earn the undying gratitude of your tax collector, or at least have some fun
by filling out your W-2s or 1099s in Roman numerals.
Think of the sheer delight and
satisfaction you will feel after completing these forms and passing them on to
your employees or subcontractors. Be the first in your neighborhood to start
using this system and watch with unbounded glee as it gains momentum.
Wai t a minute! Is it possible
that I may just have solved the mortgage loan and a variety of other economic
problems? If we all started using Roman numerals we certainly wouldn’t
have to wonder if the congress could recognize the errors of their bail out
calculations. The foregone conclusion would be that they would have to be
re-educated and given oxygen throughout the entire process anyway.
Think of all the new jobs in the
electronic industry alone that could be created. Hewlett Packard would have to
run three shifts in all plants just to keep up with the immediate, unrelenting
demand for new calculators. Along with the economic solution, we may have the
answer to the unemployment problem as well.
So you see my friends, you
don’t have to be in Rome to do as they do. You can practice this method
joyfully wherever you are.
T he only potential downside I can see with
this method is that if you are scheduled to get a refund on your tax return it
is quite probably that you won’t see a check until the year MMII.
Personal Tax Worksheet
Year:
____________________________________
Total Income:
____________________________________
Deductions:
____________________________________
Adjusted Gross:
____________________________________
Tax Bracket:
____________________________________
Amt. Withheld:
____________________________________
Refund Amount:
____________________________________
Enjoy!
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